Acceptance

It can be both a fulfilling and a painful task trying to figure out your place in the world. Growing up we are filled with illusions as well as justified rules of right versus wrong. What is true beauty? How do we achieve it? It´s hard enough trying to figure out what we are put into this world to do, without the added complications of which place to call home, all the question marks, smart remarks and bullying from the outside world. We are tough enough on our selves. Almost from the first day that we learn how to think for ourselves we struggle with what we want out of life, versus what others want for us. What we think of our selves versus how others depict us. So it’s always made me feel even more weighed down by the fact that I was constantly looking for a place where I truly fitted in, where it all came together and made sense.

I craved a place where I could fully and I truly belong, and be accepted just as I was, for all that I was. Without handing me a handful of expectations, or as often the case, pointing out why I just was not quit up to par. I did not need any help since I was my own hardest critic feeling that I always seemed to fall short. My blond was not blond enough, or dark enough, I was not thin enough for ballet, not tall enough for modeling, not pretty enough to be a classic beauty yet not edgy enough to be sexy, and I also lacked a certain sweetness that would have made me cute. I had great grades, but still I did not feel that they were good enough. I had amazing friends, yet I was no cheerleader, and as it turned out I was rarely Swedish, Hungarian, Italian or even enough of anything in-between to be fully claimed by any one nationality. So my journey was as much one I made for gathering experience, knowledge and an education, as it was for my own inner growth where I could finally settle down and call home, without constantly question my belonging. I desperately tried to find my place, that nobody could question let alone me. It was hard, because in each place there was something I really loved, that felt connected to. At the same time something always seemed to be lacking. Years would pass before I would accept, and be accepted for what I was. I was good enough for each place, each place spoke to me because each place became my home. Every part of the world had something I wanted to adjust to or do differently, just as you would want to fix things in your own home. I was not simple to understand or figure out, because to do so one had to know the world. I did not understand this until finally in the end I realized perhaps the reason why it is so painful for me to find my place, is because I will never be happy calling just one place my home. Being reformed, fitted into one tight category never did fit me, although that was what I thought I truly desired for such a long time. Every place holds a part of me, each place breaks my heart whenever I have to part from it, even for the shortest period of time. Before I could demand other people to understand me I had to figure myself out first. Once I did I realized I was not just ok with myself, I felt great. It was from that point on I could move on, I had come full circle, I accepted my self without any prestenses or excuses.